He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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