4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I wish I only lived at night.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
