I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize