We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
