i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
