just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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