I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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