everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
