I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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