The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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