Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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