i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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