dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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