I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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