So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
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He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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