you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
