Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
