mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
