That's when you crack a 10am beer
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
