So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
