My entire life is one complicated drinking game
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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