No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
