I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
did i walk over a car last night?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
