This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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