My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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