I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
