Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
