its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
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I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
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I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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