The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
