My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
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He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
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Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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