it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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