Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
