well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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