Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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