i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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