So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My ass is underappreciated
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
