The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
