I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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