hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
