I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
they call him Oral-B. enough said
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
