I got chris browned last night
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
