You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I would fuck him just for his dog
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
