Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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