Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
