You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
