Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
