i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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