i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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