and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
