life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
