I didn't shave. On purpose
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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