dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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