I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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