I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
