Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
